Sir, You Should Put On Some Pants

Take A Walk – Passion Pit

So it’s a Friday night. You’re getting ready to go out gallivanting. Brushing your teeth. Doing a little jig. Hear a knock at the door. Hmm. Who’s that? Shimmy your way out, electric toothbrush still whirling away. Open the door. It’s the police. Oh Jesus. What have I done now?

“Are you Mark Hayes?”

“Who’s asking?”

“A tree has fallen on your car.”

“Ha. Pardon? Seriously?”

“Come with me.”

“Rightio.”

“Sir, you should put on some pants.”

“Oh right.”

So you go out and take a look and lo and behold the policewoman wasn’t lying: A big huge tree is now nestled on top of your car. Which is kind of funny. And a bit of a dose. More funny than a dose though. I mean, what are the odds?

“Did you say something, sir?”

“Oh yeah, just wondering what are the odds of this happening?”

“It’s a freak accident. A gust of wind must’ve came out of nowhere and knocked the tree over and it landed right on your car, nobody else’s. It’s not even that windy which is strange.”

“Indeed.”

Serves me right for parking on the street. Or maybe it was the neighbour’s fault. The big huge tree was in his garden. It’s my crazy neighbours too, the older couple who always wail and scream at each other. Actually sound enough though for crazy people. All apologies. Sorry their tree did this to my car. They take responsibility. Let’s sort it out in during the week.

So this morning I call over. Knock knock on the door. Slightly ajar.

“Hello?”

“WHERE IS THE DAAAAWWWWGGG??! WHERE DID YOU PUT THE DAWG?!”

“YOU’RE HOLDING THE DOG, WOMAN, YOU’RE HOLDING THE DOG!”

“I’M NOT HOLDING THE DOG, WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN, WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN??”

The woman spots me and breaks into a smile,

“Oh hello, could you come back later, maybe about six? Thanks.”

Closes the door in my face. Six it is. Off I go to do my gibber. Three people have offered me various gigs recently. All wanted me to call in and meet them to discuss the opportunities further. So I go and call into the three of them, in various places around town. All smile, graciously ask me to enter, get me a drink, sit me down and inform me that they would love for me to work for them but unfortunately they can’t afford to pay me. What do I think? Hmmm. Funk off?

Good waste of time. Especially when you chose to walk to all three places. In fact, if you ever want to be busy doing nothing at all, LA is a wonderful place for you to be. People who you’ve been working on projects with just disappear for a week or a month without a word. Others agree on a price for doing something then jack up the price even further when they’re just about to start. So if you like feeling like you’re on hold, LA all the way.

On the upside, I now get to listen to my neighbours scream about their missing dog that I can clearly see running around in their back garden while the sound of a chainsaw cutting the tree on my car into pieces buzzes away loudly in the background. And now my eyes are getting irritated for some reason. Allergies? Calories? Rabies? No clue. But I can want to gouge them out of my head they’re so itchy. So yeah, it’s been a great day so far. I think I’m successfully frustrated. Time to take my pants off.

Make Your Way – EMBRZ

Tags: Blowing, Book, Car, Cats, Comedy, Crazy, Dogs, EMBRZ, Hollywood, Idiots, LA, Make Your Way, Mark Hayes, Mark Hayes Comedian, Mark Hayes Irish, Mark Hayes Writer, Music, Neighbours, Pants, Passion Pit, Police, Randumb, Stand-Up, Take A Walk, Toothbrush, Tree, Wind, Work, Writing