It Was All A Dream…

(This shall be the first part of a however-many-parts-it-takes-parter series about my recent mighty adventure to Heaven and Hell. Split it up. One blogaruu all on its own could be a tad long perhaps indeed. Read. On!)

This Sweet Love (Prins Thomas Sneaky Edit) – James Yuill

Like all mighty trips to heaven, I didn’t sleep much the night before. Packing. Shaving. Showering. Procrastinating. You know, the usual. Gibber. Maybe an hour and half worth of kippage. Woke up. Freaked. Oh dear God: Did I sleep in? Miss it all? Again? Phew. Nay. And then you hear the horn. Honk honk. Car service. At your service. Outside the door. Here. Ready. Let’s do it. Let’s go. Adventure. On!

As a wise owl once said: Private jets are fun-real! The whole process of flying is a joy. Beyond mighty. You actually want to do it. Start to finish. You’d almost prefer for it not to end. So… You get chauffeured to the airport in a 7-series BMW. Drive along. See the jets on the runway. Pull into the airport out in Burbank. Still looking out the window at the jets. Wonder which is yours. Still in the car. Out the window. Drive. Drive. Drive. Waved through a security gate. Drive. Look. Wonder. Pull up. Next to your jet. Oh right. This fecking beauty is our one today? Mighty! Car door is opened for you. Out you pop. Stretch the back. Do a little jig. And walk about ten feet over to the steps of the G-6 jet which is awaiting your presence. And. That. Is. It.

  • No pat downs.
  • No taking off of the shoes.
  • No dropping of the pants.
  • No removing of the jewelry.
  • No probing.
  • No ‘No Liquids Allowed’.
  • No queuing.
  • No waiting.
  • No walking.
  • No passport controls.
  • No tuting airport employees.
  • No crying babies.
  • No clowns.
  • No gimps.
  • No no.
  • Just. Mighty!
I Miss Pat Down

So that’s savage. But then you walk on board. And you kind of move on from that straight away. Particularly when you admire the plush leather chairs, the plush leather couches, the plush big huge bed, the plush cream carpet, the smiling stewardess, the mahogany tables, the gold trim, the pumping sound system, the Vera Wang plates and teacups, the full bar, the real stainless steel knives and forks (this blew my mind the most – no horrendous baby-size plastic sporks!), the spread of fresh food (chicken, ham, salmon, roast beef, salad, freshly baked bread, chocolates from all countries, cakes of all kinds, the-funking-works), the latest papers, magazines and books (special pre-order copies of RanDumber included), the champagne glasses, the crystal wine goblets, the brandy glasses, the reading glasses, want a pair of sunglasses? and – oh yeah did I mention already that there is a BIG HUGE FUNKING BED ON BOARD THIS PLANE?!!?!!

Ahem. Not that you would want to sleep or anything.

We all sit down. Back. Recline. And relax. In the big huge comfortable leather chairs. Samantha the Stewardess smiles a hello. Brings a round of champagne for everyone. Plus a Bloody Mary here and there. Soundsystem gets hooked up with some fine house music. I slip off to the bathroom. See that the toilet is like a throne. Leather cushioned toilet seat?? Betsy. Although it takes a while to figure out that the toilet is actually where it is. All leather and wood and mirrors and gold trim. Very confusing. Thought it was just a plush chill out area of the plane. (Blush!)

Plane gets rolling. We all buckle in. Samantha hands you a hot wet towel (to wash your feet, obviously). You foot it back to her. Buckle up. Smile a beam at everyone on board. Oh hello The Man. How’s it going the Jack. Oh look the Patti. Oh Jesus the Chowder. Hey hup the Charlotte. Oh Betsy… the Elle! And by the time all those beams are completed, you are up in the air, above all the other planes in the sky and on the road! So to speak. Off for two weeks of heaven. Somewhere in the Caribbean. Holy Matrimony of the Chowaduu and Charlotte. Wedding. On!

(To Be Continued…)

Tired me on a Greyhound Bus en route to Connecticut. Or. Perhaps. Maybe. Not. Jet on!

Read My First Wonderful Book – RanDumb: Click!

Did I mention I have a new book out this week, RANDUMBER? Trailer below…


Also. Here’s a jet mix that you can download and prance along to. Giddy up!

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