How I Nailed An Audition With My Head!

Cinema – Benny Benassi Feat. Gary Go

One thing I oddly rarely do is auditing. Which is odd. Since growing up I wanted to be an auditor. True. Read my book prologue. If it’s in that, you know it’s the truth! Another thing I oddly rarely do is audition. Which is odd. Since I live in LA and I thought the whole reason I moved here was for acting. Or writing. Or something. Read my book prologue. That is also in it, so must be some form of gibber truth? Anyways, last night I get an email from LA Models. (Remember?They signed me on donkeys ago?) Email which went something exactly like this…

Hey Mark,
We have an audition for you tomorrow Wednesday February 9th at 12:30pm;
Lisa Fields Casting,
9000 Santa Monica Blvd,
West Hollywood.
Attire is upscale business casual. Nice slacks, nice shirt and a sports coat.
Please let me know when you’re confirmed.
Thanks!

First thought…
Oh my God.

Second thought…
Oh my Jesus.

Third…
What should I wear? Must comb my hair?! Oh no… My white shirt is dirty!!!

Fourth…
I’m hungry.

Sharpening

So, off I went to Mr Chow’s for some food. Wined and dined. Mightiest of nights! Some laugh. Some food. Ridiculously good. If you can go, go. Go on the Man! Wined. Dined. Home to bed. Wake up. Preparations underway. Audition on! First stop: Sports coat. Eh no. Sharp suit jacket on. Second stop: Nice slacks. Eh no. Sharp jeans on. Third stop, white shirt. Eh no. Dirty. Second best shirt on. Hair combed. Looking, dancing! Don’t stand too close to me, says I to my deaf neighbour in the elevator on my down, I might cut you! Hmmm pardon, says he? Because I’m looking so sharp! Says I. To myself. As he goes left and I go straight on.

Casting studio is only down the street from me. 20 minute stroll. Happy days. However. Midday. Roasting. Suited up. Feeling the heat. Plus. Ran out of supplies while getting ready. No baby powder to cool me down. Dose. Time to order a cab. Avoid the sweats. Only a 5 minute ride max. Cab ordered for 12. 12 arrives, no cab. 12.05. No cab. 10 past. Ca-hab? Call them up. Another on the way. Cool cool. Still on schedule. Plenty of time. For a change. On time. Good to go. Until I see it’s 12.20 and no funking cab. Ye dirty whures. Every other time ye arrive early and give me grief! Can’t wait. I’ll flag. Or stroll. In the heat. Power walk is on!

The Heat, Betsy...

Pounding down Santa Monica Boulevard. Looking sharp. But feeling the heat! Striding. Through Boys Town. Now I’m slightly jogging. In my upscale business casual attire. Checking my watch. Realising this jog needs to turn into a sprint to make it on time. For funk… Balls. Sprint on! Puffing. Huffing. Legging it down the road. Reach the spot. Google Maps said it was here. Where is it?! It’s not here!!? This is a vintage car shop!? What the sweet Jesus Google… Oh. There it is. The other side of the road. Belt it over. Reach the door. Tuck back in my shirt. Regulate the breaths. And casually stroll in… Howdy!

Get in. Kind of set-up like a doctor’s waiting room. Sign saying “Casting”. Must be me. Sit down. Cool. Cucumber. Buckets of sweat underneath this upscale business casual attire. Just as long as they don’t ask me to take off my jacket, or pants, I’m fine. I can contain it. Smile. Nod. Be cool. Just like the others. Actually. These others waiting all look the same. Exactly. All look chiseled. All look like they just strolled of a catwalk. All look like they’ve haven’t just pegged it down Santa Monica. Didn’t see anyone else with chains or trinkets. Just chiseled chins. And slacks. Ha. My jeans were sharp though. I was fine. Back to social nodding. Hey. How’s it going guys. Cool. Yeah. Me too. Cool. Noticed I was probably definitely the youngest. And did not look like these other dudes. Funny enough. At least my blazer was sharper! Go on the Ted Baker!

Barrels Of Green Honey!

So I sit down. Then stand up. Sign a sheet. See what’s going on. What’s this casting for? Judging by all the Bruce Wayne chins… Batman? Or! Surprise casting for my own sitcom?! Nay. Apparently it’s a Lexus Campaign. Casting was to be the face of the campaign. Ay hup. Sounds good. Particularly when I cop on that the pay is pre-tty mighty. As in for one day’s work, at least one year’s rent. Not a month. A year’s worth. Oh Betsy. Potentially, even more. One quote I heard in there put the figure at 2 years worth. But that was a wild quote. Some wilderbeast in the corner. Either way, did not mind. Delighted now to be at this auditorium!

While I slip off to the bathroom, I hear we’re all called down the corridor. Balls. Scuttle back out. Into the casting room. Six of us. Plus the casting director and another guy or two. Down to the last 6 for the role in the campaign (Pardon? When did I get past other stages?) Runs through what’s going to happen. Say a bit of this. Then do a bit of that. Steering wheel set-up. Drive. Act out what he says. Dancing. 5 of us go back out to wait. I practice my driving face. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. So. On. My. Turn. Last to go. Back into the room. Sit down on the chair. Asked to stand back up. Say a few of the lines into the camera. Bluff on like I know what is going on. Call me the delivery man. Because I nailed those lines! Perfect, says he. Wuu, whispers me.

Drove It. Made It.

Now. Time to sit down. Pretend like I’m driving. You can do this. You’re a great driver! You’ve been driving for years! Just pretend like you’re driving? Easy? Grab the wheel. Drive! Casting director starts calling out directions while another guy is recording… Coming to a red light! Slow down. Now. Admire the steering wheel. Be pleased with your car. Look over at the wall. You see an older guy in a Mercedes checking out your car. Acknowledge him. Give him a nod. Check out his car. Now smile at him like you both know you made the better choice… *Smile* (Balls. Was that a creepy smile?! No no. That was a good smile)… And green light. You’re driving along Mulholland now. You’re taking those corners. Really take control of the road. Smile knowing that you are in the best car going… *Smile* (Balls. Was that a bit sleazy? Did I wink at the camera too? No no. That was a good smile. Good work. No, you idiot, don’t smile at your good work yet! Drive on!)

And we’re done. Great job. Good driving. Cheers buddy! What was your name again (and here is how I nailed that audition)… Mrs Mark Hayes is my name. Hilarious! Cue a look. And a laugh. Another laugh. Another great job comment. And told that they would be in touch. Ha. Dancing! Off I went. Skipping home! Nailed that audition. Definitely! Maybe! I think! Went swimmingly well! Bar the sprinting there in the heat part. Smiled like a champ! Drove like a winner! Could not have gone any better! Who cares if my look might not have been what they wanted. Or if it is all down to the whim of some guy or girl that might not even have been in the room but who has the last call. So what! I was mighty. Even made them laugh. So I definitely, definitely got that part. Probably. Wuu! Happy days. Rent sorted for the next 2 years. I mean, I nailed it! All my eggs and baskets and children are on it! In fact. Might retire. Go out at the top. I’ve made it. Yes!!!

Tags: Acting, Auditing, Audition, Benny Benassi Feat. Gary Go, Cinema, Dumb, Hollywood, Idiot, random, Rent, Sharp, Simon Cowell, Sports Coat, Sprinting, West Hollywood